" Me, too," John admitted unhappily, in a way that led me to suspect the "fag" label had preceded him here. He's not gay, by the way -- not that I care."Well, we're here now," I assured him. I could actually feel him relax as, together, the three of us plunged into the turmoil of a new school. With Beth off at college, John's home life with her parents was shaken, and a new school would be hard without his sweet squeeze, Alice, to buck him up. I wondered if the relationship would survive the two years she had left in middle school. I hoped so.At least he was still seeing Ms. Andrews, his counselor from middle school. His so-called mother and her boyfriend were still where they belonged, behind bars, and, it was hoped, would be until he turned eighteen. The case against them had been so solid it hadn't gone to trial, which meant very little publicity. Because names were different no one connected those losers to John. He had enough problems without that.Meanwhile, after orientation. Then, I had given her my fake smile and had shrugged it off, saying that the money kept the nightmares and my conscious away. But the truth was that it was getting harder to live within my own skin. As the months crept by and the days stretched endlessly, every breath was harder than the last. I had stopped looking at myself in the mirror what I saw there more often than not made me sick. I had learned how to live with my actions and my thoughts as a purely survival instinct, and it was that alone that kept me from ending my own life. Surviving at any cost had been drilled into me mercilessly that fighting against my conscious had become second nature. The nightmares hadn’t started yet, but I knew that it was only a matter of time before the small amount of sleep I got would be disturbed by images I would soon rather forget. I knew this for a fact because keeping those images from my mind while I was wide-awake was getting harder and harder. I would be waiting in line at the bank,.
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